It is a disorienting, paralyzing miasma that drowns out every joy, every hope, every certainty. I\u2019ve never in my life been so terrified of the future. This uncertainty\u2014will we keep this democracy, will we stay free, will we end up living in an authoritarian state? What future are we offering our children? It is horrifying, and it takes over. This fear is choking me. For a while, I held it at bay by staying away from the news. I made the mistake over the last week of dipping my feet back into it on social media, which is its own kind of hellscape.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need to stop again because I truly cease to function if I currently consume the news; however, that\u2019s easier said than done when you see what is at stake, with the orange shit stain and its ilk ignoring the courts, talking about impeaching judges they don\u2019t agree with. There\u2019s hope for the midterms, but is there? They won\u2019t cancel them, but they could cheat. They could make it hard for people to vote. Voter suppression. Gerrymandering. It\u2019s all already in their playbook.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Donating to organizations that fight for democracy helps me sleep at night, but it still doesn\u2019t feel like enough. Yet, I am not an activist. I don\u2019t have it in me. Is that an excuse because I am just too comfortable and lazy? Is that how democracies fall\u2014because too many people can\u2019t get off their asses and fight?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I always wondered why people didn\u2019t escape Germany. I know now, and I wish I had never learned this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My writing is shattered. I cannot seem to make myself work on my story. It\u2019s like this block\u2014not writer\u2019s block. I don\u2019t even open the file. There\u2019s a part of me that even wants to quit writing because what is even the fucking point? I won\u2019t stop, but it\u2019s distressing to even feel like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t understand hate, fear of diversity, fear of the other. I don\u2019t understand this lack of compassion and empathy. I don\u2019t understand this willingness, this lust to tear it all down, to see it all burn. I don\u2019t understand the indifference\u2014worse, the glee and joy in seeing people they deem undeserving or as the inferior other suffer. I don\u2019t understand cruelty, and it all breaks my heart. I feel so utterly broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I suppose that\u2019s the point\u2014because if you demoralize people, if you trap them in their dread and fear, then you control them in a way. You will be able to get away with everything because fear paralyzes, and cynicism kills all hope. So, why would you bother fighting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s also all this\u2026 \u201cWe need to do something! We need to fight!\u201d But what the fuck are we supposed to do? Everyone is just screaming, \u201cThe house is on fire, we need to fix it,\u201d but no one even knows that water puts out the fire. Everyone is just running around screaming and crying and accusing others of not doing their part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It feels like a slow-motion train wreck, and the thing is, it\u2019s hard to figure out what is real concern and what is fearmongering for engagement or to distract and paralyze. AI is not making this any better with how easily stuff is faked with this technology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I get greed. As in, greed is nothing new, and people often seem willing to go to bed with a monster if it leads to an increase in their bank account. Never mind this monster always turns around and eats you too, but what do I know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was in my late teens\/early twenties, I was really into astrology, and I had my birth chart done. I recall it talked about how I would live in a time of great social and societal upheaval and transformation. It was a footnote then. Now, I feel like setting it on fire\u2014as if that was responsible for the dumpster fire that is our current reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Germany used to be a source of comfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At least people and politics there hadn\u2019t lost their minds. Wait. I stand corrected\u2014because it truly seems like everyone is losing their shit. I stipulated that too many people are bored and doing too well. Not saying that people aren\u2019t suffering here or in Germany, but most don\u2019t have existential worries, and with the education system being devalued and people no longer caring about history, it\u2019s like, oh, what could go wrong? \u201cWe need their votes. We can control them.\u201d It sounds so familiar, doesn\u2019t it? Especially the ending was awesome. Why the fuck are we taking this road again?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Look, I get it. I also don\u2019t easily learn from the experience of others with certain things, but this one?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My well of hope used to be overflowing, and no matter what life had thrown at me, it was easy for me to get back up and jump right back into the fray. Perhaps this makes the current state more devastating, as I\u2019ve been facing a drought, and I don\u2019t know how to replenish what just keeps running through my fingers. I long for certainty in a world that offers none. I know life in general doesn\u2019t offer certainty, only the illusion of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But you know what we had? We knew a year from now, the world we lived in would very unlikely be radically different. We didn\u2019t have to worry about losing our freedoms. Or perhaps this is also me speaking from a privileged position, given that war, destruction, and a loss of freedom have plagued many regions and countries across my lifetime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The amount of tears I\u2019ve spilled since November 6th is unreal, and it\u2019s more than at any other time in my life. There are days when I struggle to stop crying, hence my embargo on the news. Funny enough, this includes my bout with cancer. I didn\u2019t cry as much then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What has repeated, though\u2014back then, I recall going to the grocery store early one morning, and a lot of older people were there, and I glared at them, green with envy. I was in my early thirties then and didn\u2019t know for sure if I\u2019d survive it, and when I looked at them, I was jealous because they\u2019d lived a full life so far\u2014an assumption, I know. If they had children, they got to see them grow up. They had decades on me. Now, I envy them, too, but for another reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And this is the crux of my current dilemma: I\u2019ve reached a point where I envy the dead. That\u2019s not a way to live, and I\u2019m working on it. It would help if the world could stop burning for a hot second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope my fears won\u2019t come true, and some of you might say I\u2019m exaggerating. Perhaps, but this is how current events feel to me. And if you made it until here, and what you\u2019re feeling is amusement\u2014maybe even joy or glee at my \u201cdelicious liberal tears\u201d\u2014do us both a favor and vacate (that means exit) my life. We are completely incompatible in every possible aspect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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